


Are We Out of The Woods Yet?

by starrywrite



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Car Accidents, M/M, Songfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-23
Updated: 2014-10-23
Packaged: 2018-02-22 06:23:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,443
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2497805
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starrywrite/pseuds/starrywrite
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“We were built to fall apart and fall back together” - Taylor Swift, Out Of The Woods</p>
            </blockquote>





	Are We Out of The Woods Yet?

**Author's Note:**

> so i’ve recently become obsessed with the new taylor swift song and i could not stop listening to it omg so clearly i had to write something about it!! ((also lets all just pretend that dan and phil have a car and actually drive places shhh just close ur eyes and pretend with me friends)) enjoy :)

Dan’s awake, lying on his back and staring at the ceiling, his eyes aching with fatigue despite the fact that he can’t seem to fall asleep. Phil is fast asleep, however. Probably exhausted from dealing with Dan all day because he seemed to drift off the moment his head touched his pillow. He wants to roll over and pull Phil into his arms, holding him tightly like a teddy bear and maybe he’ll be able to fall asleep - but he doesn’t. He can’t. 

He brings his palms up and presses them against his eyes, sighing quietly yet heavily because this is just one huge fucking mess, and he hates it. He hates that he can’t roll over and cuddle with his boyfriend because this have gotten _this_ fucking messed up between them. And maybe he’s overreacting a little bit, because his mind does this thing where it convinces him that things are way worse than they actually are, but deep down he knows that Phil feels the same way as him. 

It’s not that he’s any less in love with Phil than he’s been for the past four - nearly five - years, because he still loves him more than he’s ever loved anyone. And maybe Dan doesn’t like saying that Phil is the most important person in _the_ world - because in the whole of the world there are so many people and so many of them are important, and who is he to say that Phil is more important than someone else? - but it goes without saying that Phil is the most important person in _his_ world. And his world is pretty large to be fair - it’s a world consumed with YouTube and the BBC and internet friends and real life friends and family, and at the center of it all lies Phil Lester. Phil is his rock, his North Star. He keeps him him grounded, and doesn’t fail to bring him back to Earth when he feels as though he’s floating away. 

But sometimes - lately - Phil doesn’t feel like much of a North Star; he feels like a black hole, sucking out all of Dan’s energy and leaving him feeling empty. 

It’s not that Dan doesn’t love Phil anymore - _god no_ , that’s not it at all - it’s just that all he and Phil do lately is fight and it’s just so fucking draining. They never used to be like this, but something happened - Dan doesn’t know what exactly - but it was as if a string had been snapped and they’re both falling now, desperately trying to cling to something to keep them from getting hurt but the problem is they aren’t clinging to each other. And they should be. Dan knows it, Phil knows it - but they aren’t doing anything to change it. And the worst part is, sometimes, Dan doesn’t even know why they get into so many fights; half of the time their fights are over something so incredibly stupid that by the end of it Dan finds himself wondering how they ended up at this point. Not to mention, it certainly doesn’t help that Phil’s one of the most stubborn people Dan’s ever met - and Dan’s no better, admittedly, he’s pretty stubborn as well (when he _knows_ he’s right, that is) and he’s got a bit of a temper as well. When he and Phil collide it’s like fire and fire, and for a while he thought it worked out for them but now....

He doesn’t even finish that thought; of course it still works for them - _of course_ he and Phil still work together. 

He rolls over in bed and looks at the sleeping man lying next to him, and he breathes in the way his mussed hair is falling into his eyes, the ways his chest rises and falls as he sleeps peacefully by Dan’s side, the way he’s got one arm draped across his body, almost as if he’s reaching for Dan. The brunet laces his fingers with Phil’s and he just lies there a moment, holding his hand. And he wants to drink in this moment and savor everything beautiful about it and he doesn’t want to ruin it… but he can’t help but to think that he can’t remember the last time he’s held Phil’s hand like this, the last time they lied together in bed like this, the last time things felt truly okay between them. And he doesn’t want to ruin this moment, but he can’t help but to wonder, how long is this going to last? 

For a while now they’ve been in this weird “are we out of the woods yet?” period - because sometimes things are good between them but neither of them know for sure if things are better, if the fighting is over. Most times, it’s not. 

Dan finally manages to fall asleep, hours after lying awake and thinking way too much, and he awakes sometime after one in the afternoon to an empty bed. He looks down at his hand and finds himself missing Phil more than he should. Then again, lately he finds himself missing Phil more than he should. 

It’s terrible that it’s gotten to this point - like they aren’t even a couple living together but just a couple of flatmates who make stiff breakfast/lunch/dinner conversation when they actually do eat together and for the most part they just give each other space. At first, Dan thought that’s what they needed, space. Not to break up or to “take a break” or make the same mistake they did in 2012, but just…. space. They live together and work together and do _everything_ together, and Dan figures that maybe after nearly five years of it the two of them are getting cabin fever. He wants to believe that’s why they’ve been fighting so much. 

He soon learns that neither of them need space because that isn’t the problem - in fact, Dan doesn’t even know what the problem is - and it’s gotten to the point where “giving each other space” is just an excuse they’re both using for “ignoring each other.” 

There’s a soft knock on the bedroom door and Dan rolls over to see Phil poking his head inside. He never used to knock, why would he have to? This is just as much his room as it is Dan’s. It doesn’t make sense, but then again nothing does anymore. “You up?” Phil asks him.

Dan nods. “Yeah. Hey.”

“Hey,” Phil replies softly. “Um, we’ve that thing at Zoe and Alfie’s - the house warming.”

“I remember,” Dan says, hating the way their conversation feels so stiff and forced. 

“Yeah, and Brighton’s - it’s going to take at least an hour and half to drive there. Traffic permitting.” Phil’s choking on his words and stuttering, it’s so unlike him, Phil is usually so well put together. It’s almost as if he’s nervous to talk to Dan. 

“When would you like to leave?” Dan asks, sitting up. He’s not wearing a shirt, or any pants for that matter, and he has an urge to grab Phil’s obnoxiously bright duvet and cover himself. And he almost does it, his fingers are teasing the fabric of the blanket and he hates that he feels so exposed just sitting in his underwear before his boyfriend like this, like Phil hasn’t seen him wearing less about a million times in the past five years. 

“Whenever you’re ready,” Phil replies, rubbing the back of his neck which allows him to look down and avoid eye contact with Dan. 

“Okay,” Dan says. “I’ll, um, get dressed now then, I guess.”

“Okay.” Phil lingers in the doorway for a moment and Dan waits to see to see what he’s going to do next, but he just turns and leaves and Dan wasn’t expecting anything else. 

He gets dressed slowly, his movements lagged by a lack of coffee in his system, and when he’s fully clothed and his hair has been de-hobbit haired, he emerges in the lounge where Phil’s sitting on the couch with his laptop. He hesitates before clearing his throat, making his presence known, and Phil turns around to look at him. “I’m ready if you are,” he says, and it’s all so formal that he has to remind himself that he’s actually talking to Phil.

“Right.” Phil nods, getting up to his feet. “Let’s go then.” and Dan just hopes the car ride to Brighton isn’t going to be an hour and a half - traffic permitting - of this formal and stiff conversation. 

Phil decides to drive them to Brighton, and Dan immediately wants to suggest an alternative because Phil is not the best driver, but he bites his tongue and gets in the passenger’s seat. The car ride is painfully quiet at first, even with the radio on the blissful sounds of Ariana Grande’s voice isn’t enough to blanket the overwhelming silence between Dan and Phil. It’s as if they both have so much they want to say that neither of them know where to start. 

Dan looks at Phil. There are so many words caught in his throat - “I’m sorry,” “I love you,” “I miss you,” “Please talk to me,” - but he doesn’t know how to say any of it. Eventually, Phil notices him staring and he asks, “What’s up?” 

Dan just shakes his head and looks away. “Nothing.”

He hears Phil sigh. “I know something’s wrong, Dan,” he tells him. “Tell me what’s up.”

“Nothing’s up,” Dan insists and yes, he’s lying, but this is not a conversation he’s ready to have. He hasn’t had time to think things through and carefully consider everything, and if he and Phil are going to have this conversation it needs to be done the right way. 

Phil sighs again, but he sounds more annoyed this time. “Fine,” he says simply. 

“What do you mean, fine?” Dan asks, crossing his arms across his chest and looking over at Phil. Phil’s eyes are focused on the road, but Dan knows he can see him staring. 

“I mean if you don’t want to talk to me, I’m not going to make you,” Phil says. “Not that I’m surprised,” he adds as an afterthought.

Dan scoffs. “Now what does _that_ mean?” he asks. The tone between them has definitely changed now and Dan’s heart starts to beat faster. 

“I think you know exactly what I mean,” Phil says.

“Enlighten me,” Dan replies. 

Phil just shakes his head. “You never want to talk to me,” he says. “I know things between us haven’t been picture perfect lately but if you’re going to keep shutting me out then nothing is going to get resolved.”

“Well, you aren’t talking to me either,” Dan tells him. “You avoid me as much as I avoid you, and I know that I should probably speak up more about how I’m feeling but you are just as bad as I am!” he settles back against his seat, crossing his arms across his chest and he says, “It feels like you don’t even want to try anymore.”

“See, now how was I supposed to know that you thought that?” Phil asks, finally turning to look at Dan. His eyes are cold and unwelcoming, a complete 180 to the beautiful, loving pair of eyes that Dan gets to see first thing in the morning when he wakes up. 

“B - because,” Dan stutters but he realizes he doesn’t exactly have an answer for Phil. “Because I -”

“You know what? I know exactly why - it’s because you never talk to me anymore! Why can’t you just _talk_ to me Dan?” Phil asks, frustration evident in his tone. “We never talk anymore - maybe that’s why we fight so much, because there’s absolutely no communication between us!”

“Well don’t pin this entire thing on me!” Dan tells him, albeit a bit defensively but as much as he wants to avoid another fight - especially when they’re about to hang out with people - he knows he’s right about this; Phil can’t put the bulk of the blame surrounding their relationship problems on him. “You don’t talk to me either - it’s like you don’t even _want_ to talk to me sometimes!” 

“When have I ever said I didn’t want to talk to you?” Phil asks incredulously. 

“You don’t have to say it; I just know,” Dan says sulkily. 

“You don’t _know_ anything! God, Dan, you’re so…” Phil cuts himself off before saying anything else. His knuckles have gone white with how tightly he’s gripping the steering wheel and Dan can see the vein in his neck twitching.

“What?” Dan asks. “I’m so what?” 

“You’re so -” Phil groans before continuing. “Infuriating sometimes! You never want to talk when something’s wrong; you just shut down and avoid me, and then you make your own assumptions about what I’m thinking or feeling. You’re so wrapped up in your own world that you are completely out of tune with everything else that’s happening! We’re always going in circles and it’s so exhausting, and I can’t keep doing this!”

“So what are you saying, that you want to break up?” Dan asks him, ignoring the way his heart is hammering as terror courses through his veins as he asks the question that’s been on his mind for weeks. “Is that it? You want to break up?” 

Phil exhales angrily and he doesn’t say anything; he hits the steering wheel frustrated, not noticing the way he drives past a stop sign without taking a moment to glance around and make sure the road was safe before he continued forward. 

Dan turns away, because he can’t stand to look at Phil right now, and he braces himself for the impact of what he _knows_ Phil is going to say next - when a pair of headlights nearly blind him, and his heart drops into his stomach because he knows whatever is about to happen next is not going to be good. He shouts out Phil’s name, not knowing what else to do other than to scream for his boyfriend. 

Phil looks up, eyes going wide, and he jerks the wheel to the side, narrowly avoiding a head on collision, and then slams on the brakes as hard as he can. The wheels screech as the car spins, coming to an abrupt stop that lurches the pair of them forward only when the side of it collides with a bench on the sidewalk. 

The next thing he knows, Dan’s head is throbbing, and his vision comes and goes in waves. He hears glass breaking and Phil crying out in pain, and he opens his mouth to scream for his boyfriend yet again but he can’t hear himself and he wonders for a moment if something happened to the part of his brain that affects his vocal chords. 

He closes his eyes momentarily before placing both of his hands on the dashboard and he musters up as much strength as he can to push himself up so he’s sitting once again. His ears are ringing and the simple act of sitting up is enough to make him dizzy, but he doesn’t care about whatever is wrong with him - not that there’s a doubt in his mind that something _is_ in fact wrong with him, because he’s pretty sure that there is - because he needs to make sure Phil’s okay.

Phil’s window is shattered, more than likely a result of his side of the car crashing against the bench. Shards of glass resting in a pile on his lap and the sickening stench of blood fills the air. Dan gags, then chokes out, “Ph - Phil.”

“M’okay,” Phil mumbles. His eyes are wide, unlike Dan whose eyes keep fluttering shut every couple of seconds, and his chest is heaving; he gasps for breath and shakes. “Are you - are you okay?”

“I’m okay,” Dan says, his voice hushed. Phil just nods, clearly all out of sorts right now but he fumbles for his phone, wincing and hissing in pain as he does so, and with his uninjured hand, he reaches out for Dan. The brunet doesn’t hesitate to grasp his boyfriend’s hand as tightly as he can, lacing their fingers together with no intention of letting go.

_Remember when you hit the brakes too soon?_  
 _20 stitches in the hospital room_  
 _And you started cryin', baby I did too_  
 _But when the sun came up, I was lookin' at you_

Hospitals are so white. White walls, white sheets on the beds, white hospital gowns - everything is just so fucking white that it’s actually making Dan’s head hurt. Either that, or the concussion he apparently has according to the doctor shining a mini flashlight into his dilated eyes. He winces. His head is throbbing, and everytime he blinks he sees stars, and his stomach is _aching_ and he isn’t sure if that’s a symptom of his concussion or if it’s because he’s so wracked with anxiety at the moment. Frankly, he doesn’t give a damn about his head or mild brain injury he’s sustained from the dashboard, all he cares about is Phil and knowing if he’s okay.

“Mr. Howell? _Mr. Howell_.”

“Wh - what?” he asks a moment later, but his delayed response is not because of the concussion; it’s because he just wasn’t listening. 

“I was saying,” his doctor told him. “That you’ll have to avoid general physical exertion, including sports or any vigorous activities until your symptoms dissipate.”

“Okay,” Dan nods, then winces, rubbing his temples. “Can I see my boyfriend now, please?” 

“Dan you have a concussion -”

“I know,” he interrupts, reminding himself to stay as polite as possible. “And I promise I won’t lift a finger until I get an all clear from you, but I really, _really_ need to see my boyfriend now. Right now.” The doctor sighs but he finally gives Dan permission to go see Phil, and Dan doesn’t hesitate to run down the hall in search of his boyfriend - ironically, the only time he’s ever exerted this much energy is right after a doctor has told him not to. 

His heart hammers in his chest as he looks around the hospital for Phil. He can’t stop thinking about how horribly this whole thing could’ve gone; one of them could’ve gotten seriously hurt or even died. Dan knows that he and Phil are both so lucky to be able to walk away with a concussion and twenty stitches, respectively. 

But still… he can’t get the thought out of his mind that tonight he could’ve lost Phil. And the idea alone terrifies him because the last thing he’d ever want is to lose Phil in any sense of the word. 

It’s slightly ridiculous that it’s taken an incident like this to get Dan to realize that he and Phil are being stupid and that the two of them need to stop fucking around with their relationship, but that’s the way the tables have turned. He doesn’t regret it though; he needed something like this, he needed an eye opener. He needed something to happen to make him realize how shitty he had been acting towards Phil and now he’s going to change it because he loves Phil _so_ much, more than he’s ever loved anyone and he’s going to make sure that Phil is going to stay in his life. Forever. (Or at least as long as Phil wants to be in his life). 

Dan finally finds Phil, and the blood has been wiped clean from his arm but it’s still stained the front of his shirt, matching the tearstains on his cheeks. He looks up as Dan walks in and he smiles shakily, “Hi.” 

“Hi,” Dan’s voice cracks a little. 

“How’s your head?” Phil asks, sniffling. 

“Um, I’ve got a concussion,” Dan tells him. “Nothing fatal though, I’ll survive.”

“Good,” Phil says, and that’s all it takes for Dan to break.

“Are we really going to do this?” he asks and before Phil can even question him, he continues. “Are we really going to have this bullshit small talk conversation like any other day, as if you and I weren’t just in a car accident? God,” Dan swears, running his hands over his face, exhaling slowly because his chest feels unbelievably tight still and it’s getting hard to breathe again. “God - do you know how fucking terrified I was?” he exclaims, and his voice cracks because he’s seconds away from crying. 

“I’m sorry,” Phil says. “I - I should've been paying attention to the road and -”

“I could’ve lost you,” Dan says softly, tears rolling down his cheeks. 

“Hey,” Phil reaches out for him, grabbing the sleeve of Dan’s jumper and pulling him in for a hug. “Hey, I’m okay - I’m not going anywhere.” Dan nods against Phil’s neck and he squeezes Phil tightly, and Phil holds him just as tight, neither of them having any intention of letting go of each other. 

_Remember when we couldn't take the heat_  
 _I walked out and said I'm settin' you free_  
 _But the monsters turned out to be just trees_  
 _And when the sun came up, you were lookin' at me_  
 _You were lookin' at me_

It’s late by the time Dan and Phil make it back at their flat, and they’re both exhausted and in pain but sleep isn’t going to come easily for either of them because there’s an elephant in the room blocking the way to their bedroom. 

Dan’s the one who says it, “We need to talk.” And it’s a disgusting cliche but it’s true, they really do need to talk. Phil nods in agreement and the two of them take a seat at their dining room table across from each other. Phil extends his hand across the table, reaching out for Dan’s hand. 

Dan takes Phil’s hand and looks down at them, not meeting Phil’s eyes as he finally asks, “Did you mean it?” 

“Mean what?” Phil asks. 

Dan takes a deep breath and softly asks, “Did you mean it yesterday when you said that you can’t keep doing this?” 

“I didn’t mean us, I meant all of this fighting,” Phil says. “I don’t want to break up, I never want to break up.”

Dan pauses. “So what?” he asks. “What do we do now?” 

Phil looks confused. “I don’t understand,” he says. 

“What are we going to do now?” Dan repeats. “Neither of us want to break up, but it’s obvious that neither of us are happy.”

“Now, wait a second,” Phil says. “Who said I wasn’t happy?” 

“So you are happy with the fact that you and I have been fighting so much lately?” Dan asks.

Phil closes his eye briefly. “I’m not happy that we fight a lot, but that doesn’t mean I’m unhappy with our relationship,” he tells him. “But this is exactly what I’m talking about - you keep assuming that you know exactly what I’m thinking or feeling and usually you’re wrong about all of it. And all of this could be avoided if you would actually confront me instead of hiding from me.”

“It’s not like you’re any better,” Dan mumbles, looking down at the table top once again.

“Dan,” Phil groans, bringing his free hand up to rub the bridge of his nose. “Look, I know I have things I need to work on - I can admit that. But so do you, and that’s the difference between you and I; you aren’t owning up to anything you need to work on.”

“Stop acting like you’re so perfect!” Dan exclaims. “You aren’t working on anything; it’s not as if you’ve initiated this conversation at any point before today! Not that I blame you though - apparently, I’m just so infuriating, I wouldn’t want to talk to me either!” 

“Dan, stop overreacting,” Phil says, but Dan just shakes his head.

“No, you’re right; I’m infuriating, I’m difficult, I won’t talk to you you, I’m a terrible boyfriend!” he’s raising his voice and he’s pretty sure at this hour their neighbors are going to call their flat and tell them to shut up, but he doesn’t care; he’s angry and upset and hurt, and damn it, he just wants to yell. “I don’t even know why you’re with me, to be honest!”

“What are you talking -”

“You should leave,” Dan interrupts.

The pair of them fall silent for a moment and Phil’s face goes white. “What?” he asks, his voice barely above a whisper. 

Dan licks his lips and swallows thickly. “You should just leave,” he repeats. “Stop wasting your time with me since I’m apparently so difficult to be with, and just go,” 

“Dan -”

“No, Phil, I’m serious,” Dan says. “If you don’t want to be with me anymore then I’m not going to force you to stay.”

“Dan, please, just shut up for two seconds,” Phil says. Dan complies, his lips going into a tight line, and Phil says, “What part of ‘I’m not going anywhere’ didn’t you get? I didn’t just say that because I was in the hospital, I meant it; I’m not going anywhere.” Phil reaches out for his hand once again, and Dan grabs a hold of it. “I’m sorry,” he says. “I’m sorry if I’ve ever made you feel like you aren’t a good boyfriend and I’m sorry for not talking to you as much as I should’ve been. But I want that to change, starting now.”

Dan nods, his free hand coming up to wipe his eyes. “Me too,” he says. “I - I mean, I want things to change too. And I’m sorry. I’m really sorry.”

“It’s okay,” Phil tells him. “And look, I want you and I to be you and I for a very, very long time. And it’s not going to be easy but I promise you Dan, I am all in.”

Dan can’t put into words how he feels right now; relief, elation - they aren’t enough to describe it. But god, is he lucky. Because he has Phil, and he’s had Phil for the past five years and he knows that five more years from now, Phil is still going to be by his side. He gets up from his seat and walks over to Phil, sitting down in his lap and he presses his lips to Phi’s before resting his forehead against Phil’s and he whispers, “I’m all in too.”

Phil smiles a little. “I love you,” he says softly to Dan. 

“I love you too.” and Dan kind of wants to cry because it feels like it’s been a lifetime since he’s heard Phil say that to him, but after today, he knows it isn’t going to be like that anymore.


End file.
